I have never written you a letter in life; in fact, I have never even had the thought of it in my life. Look, it’s not that you were never worth it, but, you know, the way language is a tough thing to understand, and the way the “cartels” you keep blaming for your woes won’t let you receive my letters. That`s about it.
Let`s first talk about Nairobi, shall we? Yes, they might say you are no working, that you have not done anything since you came into office, that you are not fit to be a leader and all that crap bla bla bla. But I am on your side on this one. You are working overtime to complete manifesto. Come to think of it, do you even know what your manifesto says? Make Nairobi clean, make Nairobi livable and all that crap? Who cares about it? I come from a village where we never had swimming pools all through life. But you, Mr. Governor, you are just invigorating. You made one hell of a swimming pool in town; the whole town is one in fact. They should recognize your honorable efforts. Now everyone has a swimming pool right in there front doors. Everyone can swim, free of charge. Even cars can swim! We are all happy, you know…. It just those human beings never get contented in life.
I don’t understand politics, why should I when I am so busy seeking a job, and with a plethora of girlfriends after my money? But at least I am not that daft, so I understand it when you say that ` some people are sabotaging your position as governor, some people are digging potholes on the road to make you look bad, some people are out to remove you from office ‘and all that. I feel you, you just are feeling the same way the kawaida boy-child feels when he`s stuck in the thick mud of the friend zone and the guy driving at the time is an idiot who doesn’t seem to move with the time. I feel you sir.
26 bodyguards? 26 seriously? Bruhh… what is this you are protecting. Are you a citadel or a fort? Look, I understand, the Nairobi muggers are very good at what they do, and you are paranoid about your blings and Gucci shoes. Those guys are daring, they even take earrings right off the owners ears with a knife. But 26? That is way too much for one man. Even Gaddafi, with all his stature had only forty of them, and they were all female. Come to think of it, 26 men with dark suits and radios dangling on their shoulders seems like a very good replacement for the apparent lack of brains, right? The whole of my county has only 100 policemen, and if the governor has 26 of those following him around and shouting `move!` to the ever present traffic, should we blame anyone for the apparent rise in crime? I mean, the police are busy guarding blings and separating cars in the traffic for the `boss` to pass. That’s how we build the county, right?
Look,I never really mean to be sarcastic, but you deserve every drip of it in life. If you had joined the theater before becoming a politician, you would be eating caviar with the likes of Kanye West, not fighting over a microphone with a set of old mean gizzards like Karanja Kibicho. But like we say out here in Kayole, wanaume ni kuheshimiana, they have to recognise you as the governor even if you don’t look or act like one. Yes, you sweat when reading your speeches, yes, you dress like Will Smith twenty years ago, yes, you cant tweet without seeking confirmation on your spelling and the coherence of your statements. But who cares? This is Kenya, no one cares about intelligence as long as you can shout `yes` to the whims of the demigods who run the enterprise called Kenya. So go on, grab as many of them as you can when they refuse to give it to you. After all your cohorts and nemesis are used to grabbing everything, from land, houses, money, girlfriends. Trust you me you grabbing a microphone should not make news in a country of grabbers.
Let’s flash forward, shall we? But before we come to today perhaps it should be fair to mention your beautiful daughters somewhere in this letter. Look, yours truly thinks apo ulicheswa. Those two girls look nothing like you, if the wisdom of my girlfriend can be trusted. But their looks are not an issue, not at all. In fact I would marry one of them if I had the chance, just as a ticket to some money, you know. But where did they go? Are you a grandfather by now? And if you are, why didn’t you tell us? Don’t you know how big being a grandfather is to politicians? And why haven’t you lime lighted either of the some future office too? You see the way we have an Odinga dynasty, a Kenyatta dynasty, a Moi dynasty, we should have a Sonko dynasty too. You know the king of blings and tantrums can’t just have his name in one generation and then oblivion, no, bring someone to continue your linage.
I don’t want my letter to be as long and boring as the constant drone of your rhetorical speeches. So I will come to the point of it all. So you have are an independent thinker now huh? Choosing Miguna Miguna for deputy Governor, yours truly thinks that it is a master stroke. But hold on, your senator Sakaja has already stated that `Miguna won’t be deputy governor of Nairobi` and that ` we can take that to the bank.` Even before the dust of your newfound independent thinking settles, the cartels have fired salvos at your rationale. I don’t want to join them, but last I checked your bosses had stated that the guy is not a Kenyan citizen. Let’s just say you have hired an expatriate, like the Government does whenever someone seems to think that Kenyans can’t do the job. But I can’t blame you for denying one of our ` Kenyan youths` the job, we have Cuban doctors and Chinese constructors, all our business men are Indians too, so what`s the issue with a Canadian Deputy governor after all?
Look, I understand the pressure you have, and I also do understand how you always feeling like stripping your aura of honorability to come back to the world of kuvishana ngumi. What I don’t understand is when you suddenly became so forgiving in nature that you can give the man who once called you a buffoon and a despot a position in your government. Are you ` womaning` up or something? Or the hands of Jesus have touched you so much that you have started giving the proverbial ` second cheek` to your enemies. What has come over you? Ama umekaliwa chapati mahali? it’s not real, is it? Even the people from my mtaa know too well that one of this fine days you will wake up from this current craze of Christianity, and we will all be back to the good old life of grabbing microphones and blaming the lack of development on your predecessor`s failure and cartels that are against you.
Before I wrap this up, let me give you a small lecture. Look, I am not from the cartels so you might as well take a chill and relax. We appreciate the fact that you might not really understand your campaign manifesto and all the English uganga they used to draft it up. We also appreciate that Igathe walked out on you. But that doesn’t mean you should remain stuck in that `while Igathe was here` kind of voodoo. After all, all us money less boychilds have slayqueens walking out on us every day, and before they can even finish saying the word `single` we have another one posting our pictures on their whatsapp status updates. So I don’t really understand why you took a whole forever to choose a deputy Governor,not unless you are the kind of people who wait on God to show them the way, which you obviously are not.
I should say goodbye here. Say hi to your 26 bodyguards, and your two daughters. Perhaps I will see you soon on the television, but I hope the next time you grab something better than a microphone.
With all sarcasm intended