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I don’t really know if it’s me alone, with the kind of acidic metrosexual ideas in my head, a different perception of what `cool` is, but am sickened by the mall culture. Yes, it’s predominantly uptown, and bourgeois, but please spare me the expatriate talk. What is so interesting about these mega moths of construction and spending? Especially in January?

I know you are feeling biled by my line of thought, but, `excuse me mademoiselle, this is my blog, okay? I can say what I want in my space? Aint going to talk about immorality or whatever you expect me to. I spent the whole day out window shopping at some mall, and there is nothing enlightening about the whole experience as you always want to make us think in your daily plethora of live Facebook, instagram and snapchat feeds. Look, I mean, don’t you ever have any other experiences to tell us? The malls are so 2017 for hells sake, and you can’t afford IMAX, not on your pockets if I know correctly. I can’t too, and I don’t mind saying that.

All malls have some remnant of colonialism in them. You and I can confirm that. I don’t want to get famous by having libel suits following me left, right and center but where I was? I was practically the only black doing some form of shopping, though mine was abstractive, and pragmatic window shopping. Apart from the obviously overworked and poorly remunerated attendants who have to follow you around, like you would suddenly develop hidden pockets in your hands to stuff away their overpriced goods, the rest are white, I mean white! Either by design or default I don’t know, but you can’t claim to be African if you keep rolling your tongue to say ` where is the warra` when you want to confuse the flustered blacks in the room, can you? Look, I know you studied at Brook house and Braeburn somewhere in your dreams, but spare us, will you? We are proud alma mater of Karumaindu DEB secondary School, and we don’t care…

The food, I don’t know. In fact, am not going to develop stomach problems because of their price, and obvious disregard for Africanism. I know in the modern sense its good and social media cool to stuff your stomach with pizza, from Italy or whatever, and chicken from the states, as if ours was never good enough for your stomachs. I don’t want to develop any sort of vendetta for those chefs, who trained in Nairobi Aviation, or EA Utalii College, who can’t say bologna and lasagna without stumbling on the diphthongs and whatever there is to the words, but you the `mallers` are the most degrading of problems. Like how, how on earth do you eat those things, I might too African , but Christ knows I said this, don’t ever talk about your weight when you keep gobbling calories and cholesterol branded `cholesterol free`, and `zero sugar`. Just Don’t. I will be tempted to laugh my head off at your sarcasm.

They have a waterfront, imagine? Imagine they have the guts to make a rivulet of water from the city`s overstretched supply and call it a `waterfront. `  Ok, it’s pretty creative and good sales language to have `waterfront` shops, and a couple of tired plastic boats bobbing on the ten squared meters of water, but that passes as plain lie, you know, just like your social media life! A waterfront t should have a beach, and a marina or something, this is shortchanging reality. Funniest part of it is the fact that the shops on the ` waterfront` sell clothes as if they were made o0f purple robes during St. Paul’s time. A trouser for sh.16000. Honestly, you buy the joke from Mr. Price and Woolworths. What does it have, does it come with some sort of superhuman abilities, or does it have self- washing capabilities. You know everything has some specs these days. Care to illuminate me on this one`s?

The cinema, well, the epitome of our war I should guess. Watching things in three dimensions is fun; I know it instills the fear of horror more than the fireside tales we grew up with. Yes, you can’t listen to the `once upon a time` stories anymore, but you are still a child who pays to watch animation for hell`s sake! Come on, I thought you would do better things with the money, animation and cartoons, honestly? Like seriously? And you have the guts to flash the display of arrogant refusal to adulthood on social media. I should just ask, why are threesome films classified for the grownups, yet those meant for the development of kid`s creativity are left to the whims of would be octogenarians? Is it even fair and how do you even have the guts to sit through the torturous experience of all your childhood dreams on the screen?

And then come the gamers, the dream of every other uptown wannabe kid. A ps4, an Xbox, or some other console. These things spelt death to real games. All we have now is a plethora of overweight girls and boys rolling around the malls looking for the newest version of some gaming technology.  I know enough English to know that a game has to involve movement of some limb, not a pad. We grew strong because we hit each other in the fields chasing after a ball, now the experience of running is so alien. I guess we should start forgetting about Olympics and breaking records with the kind of zero- grazing the malls have offered the children of the day. They can’t move any faster than my grandpa, who is a hundred plus, and they can’t thin any fast either because they are adept parasites to Google and Wikipedia. That’s cool, right?

Let’s say the mall will continue to be the coolest thing to our teens for the next decade. It’s fun to be lazy, to have all your shopping under the same roof, but it’s also stupid, plain stupid. I walked around the same place for eternity, with nothing I could relate to. And the sea of videos with hardly enough views to be called a following will continue, every one of you hoping to be the next Kardashians. We will wait for that day. But the most aggravating aspect of the malls, it’s the price they sell effigies, and portraits of Christ! I don’t even have the courage to name the price; it’s more than an arm and a leg. And here I though there only was one da Vinci, whose pieces are allowed to sell at ridiculous prices.

I will let you all do as you want, go to the malls as you want, lead self- imposed zero-grazing in the name of following the precedence of `cool` in the uptown society when you and I live in some little known village that is nowhere near `up`. But please if you are going to do so, just remember that Centum or whatever company owns the establishment doesn’t  pay you endorsement  for the paltry number of views you can have on your social media account, so spare us the half-baked videos, and the brains too. We have too much on our plates as of now, your boring, and excruciatingly plain escapades are nowhere near what we are stressed up about.

 

And if at all you think it’s worth the struggle, and the bundles, please do us a favor and stop shooting places that we have been seeing since God knows when, you could do with a little creativity, and I would appreciate a little break to my whining.

 

 

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