Oranges and Cactus



Dear Uhuru

You and I might agree that this week is worth writing. I had taken a pause, you know, then suddenly the country ran riot and I couldn’t resist the urge to sit down in front of my old computer and start the tirade again.

You know you were away; life was good before this week, not so good as such because it was January, but the year within a year is over now. But verily, you left your able, or is it disabled deputy, in charge of the government, and suddenly the government ran amok. We were thrust into a rollercoaster of comedy, from one end of the nation to the other. I guess you hadn’t removed your shoes in Ethiopia or whatever country you had gone on holiday when the devil struck loose. They decided to swear in the other guy, in broad daylight! Well isn’t it funny that we now have two presidents, no four, if we add CMB prezzo, and Cyprian Nyakundi (could you stop the drama you are playing on him please? I will talk to him to stop bashing your guys), the president of the boy child in the same country? Now girls don’t have leverage to tell us to stick to one girl. Our country is `presidentially polygamous`, we are just being patriotic!

Your guys switched off television; I mean the major televisions, KTN, NTV, and CITIZEN for the better part of the week. Look am not going to complain about the abstract infringement of our right to information, and the flagration of the press freedom whatever those are, but you saved us, you know? Now we have peace in our homes, us the men. Our wives can’t fight for the remote anymore in pursuit of their favorite soap opera on citizen TV, or some other such place. We don’t have a problem; the TVs have become useless artifacts for them. Imagine even The Trend; the all-time favorite of all Kenyan wannnabes is gone. It was a blessed move, you know, a very good one. You just gave us carte blanche to keep our TVs switched to supersport ad infinitum, and no one can say anything about it.

The blue boys are at it again. Look, I have been meaning to shred them apart on this letter, but I can’t. They might just decide to bomb apart my humble bedsitter like they did with Miguna`s mansion. I have warned you severally, of the downsides of employing D+ bimbos in that job, and slapping into their arms a couple of firearms, a potbelly, teargas canisters, boots, radio calls and whatnot. Honestly, I will not say that we have policemen and women in Kenya. Do you watch movies? Have you ever seen the way policemen behave in movies? The way the traffic guys pull you over when you have flouted some law? That now, is policing by police personnel, Boinnet`s boys are nothing more than uniformed goons with hardly an iota of brains. Oops! Didn’t mean to be insultive, consider that a slip of the tongue, even yours does that sometimes, like when you almost called Joho your wife, remember? In a week, they have been caught soliciting bribes on camera; that is usual, nothing to write home about. They walked out of the `swearing in` ceremony without so much as throwing a teargas or a bullet, or killing a kid as is their usual ways. They are a disappointment, fire them all!

You have three distinguished members of the public in custody. I salute you. It’s been a long way coming. I know the `kumira kumira` nation is baying for their blood. They are pushing you to have them killed, tortured or something of the sort. For a fact, someone like Miguna would be good riddance. This guy can’t stop his silly, extremely educated and erudite mouth from calling you a despot, and bashing every of your political analysts as `sentries of a despotic government. `  I don’t even know who George Aladwa is, apart from the fact that he did a better job at keeping Nairobi within sane levels, way better that Sonko and his cabinet of Gucci clad goons are doing. He should get punished for that, you can’t work better than the government of the day, then shame it, you can’t. Kajwang? The other Kajwang, the dead one, was a good political singer; I presume this one is too. His sentence can include writing music for government campaigns and Ruto`s 2022 ambition, that way you won’t have to pay Ben Githae or some other River road guy for some stupid song like `ndani, ndani, ndaaani…to the statehouse…uhururuto tano tena! ` Honestly, that song was torture to our ears; some guys just voted for you to put a stop to it, thank God you did. You could add that to your legacy.

I have never commented about your cabinet. I know, its old news, but do I care? It still is news. I have nothing to lose after all. I know, it has received some sort of acclaim, but am also entitled to my own ideas about it. It was not inclusive, not at all. If you hate that one fact you can go make your own blog and write yourself this letters. I am not going to complain about tribal balance and whatever like the rest of our country men and women, no, that shit is crap; we are entitled to be tribalic, aren’t we? No, it’s about persons. The last cabinet had slay queens represented by Waiguru, and she did a good job of representing them, even strutting away with a cool 691 million, and then making governor supremo. Just like the perfect sponsored chick that gets a free house and a car from the old gizzards in your government. Right before your very eyes. Now you haven’t given them even as useless a position as Tuju`s `minister without portfolio`. That isn’t fair, at all. But you at least reinstated a slay king, in Najib Balala. You can’t have everyone in your cabinet owning that Matiangi face, it’s not good for television, and the cameras.

Next week is valentine; I thought it was part of my responsibility as a `patriotic and peace-loving citizen` to remind you. Look, we men don’t have the cash to support it. Look, champions league is also starting the same week I read somewhere that you are a die-hard red-devil. We can’t abscond our highly pertinent football duties like live betting for such trivialities as a valentine date. Who cares about it anymore? Please get someone to go to the government printers and officially gazette the postponement of valentines until a further date that will be communicated to all girls and women. Even the boys in blue will have time to deal with the menace of Raila without the psychological torture of their ever nagging wives and girlfriends hammering their simple brains for complicated dates. You see? It’s a win win situation for all of us!

I am winding up; I hope you are not asleep. You know I have to get my flash disk and go line up outside Nation center for news updates to be loaded. That is the downside of the media blackout. But as said earlier, we can survive with its perks. I was going to talk about Kalonzo, but I can’t anymore, he won’t be too happy if I rubbed in his situationships with both sides of the political divide. But he’s a good guy to have as the man in charge of the meteorological department, because like him they are never predictable and can never be depended upon. He’s complete non-committal with everything, spewing hot and cold, but hey? My time is over; I can’t waste presidential time anymore.

AOB; I have just remembered, I don’t have a girlfriend, I need a presidential decree for one I think, can you help? You know you are `our` people. Mind giving me a line or two? Or, better still? How did you impress the first lady, I cannot come to terms with that.

With all sarcasm intended

An idle citizen


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